The eternally confused's Journal

Subject:	Gosh is this place still here?
Time:	1:36 pm.
Mood:	happy.
Music:	muse - falling down.

Well hell its been a long time since i was here....

I hope everybody out there is well and happy and living the lives that they want for themselves.

My life? Well there have been a few changes.

I am now going through a divorce, have finished my first year of a university degree (mental health nursing) with an 80% average so i think the chances of me getting through are good. I am still working part time in the same place, but the staff have been jiggled around so much its might as well be a different place. And i think I've finally grown up ooer...

Have had a helluva summer, been traveling all over Britain and even got as far as France, but only for short jaunts. Have been to London several times and have decided that it is probably my favourite place in the world. Not for any real aesthetic reason, more for the fact that it was the site of my rebirth, but enough about that.

While I'm here a nod to my son Jacel, who doesnt answer his phone or return calls, but i hope he knows I love him.

Think a while... 7 thoughts - What do you think?

Subject:	another random post from the valleys
Time:	10:47 am.
Mood:	frustrated.

D'you know, I spent my entire youth waiting to grow up cos I figured that when I did, I'd have the answers. Not so. You grow up and you either dont care about the answers, stick in any answer that seems okay to you, or you get a whole load of new questions. The biggest challenge to face is keeping an open mind and not letting your synaptic connections get fixed.
Some people spend their entire lives putting others down to make themselves feel better. Theres a nurse in my work that is a prime example of this. She likes to point out to everybody how cool she is, how her clothes,shoes,holidays etc etc are sooo much more expensive than anyone elses. The thing is, the people she is challenging with these remarks are all care staff who are on, like, a third of her wages. What is she trying to prove? Problem is she takes so much pleasure in getting one over on you that you end up feeling belittled even if your values are completely different. An example...the other day she asked me if I had any deodorant cos she was a bit sweaty. Yeah, I said, gave her my can of Impulse (cheap body spray, lots of smell for not much cost, okay for work) she returned it to me and said, as she left the room, "thats a nice smell, I dont usually like the cheap stuff....."
Now I know on the surface that seems okay, but believe me this woman is working on several sub-levels. The thing is, if I wanted to come in in a pair of Jimmy Choos and Prada day wear, wafting Chanel No 5 over everybody, I could, but seeing as it's going to get wrecked in a care home environment, all it would do is make me look like a pretentious prat, and she already has that position filled. But yeah, she suckered me in. I was left caring about how she'd got one over on me in a competition I'm not even interested in. AAAAAAAAArg! I hate women like her. Prize bitch. Not playing on the girls team at all... Thing is, it doesnt matter how beautiful, successful, intelligent a woman is, if she admits that she can fuck up as well, you don't care, she's okay, she's one of us. People can sometimes think that we're jealous of people like her, that that is the reason we can't stand them, but not true. She could come into work, driving a Morgan convertable, dripping diamonds, wearing a tan she got in her four week holiday in the Bahamas and d'you know what? I still wouldn't change places with her.
Not in a million.....

Think a while... 11 thoughts - What do you think?

Subject:	another random post from the valleys
Time:	9:59 pm.
Mood:	happy.

well, I have a new dongle so I have access to the interweb again (we have two pc's in the other room, but with two teenagers on line I have NO chance) so my lappy is up an running again and maybe I can get to chat a bit more often, rather than just lurking and checking you guys out anonymously. Seems to be the only way I can check No 1 son is still alive. My news? Uh, starting uni week after next (mental health nurse, see, my experience with Jace has paid off!) Will still be working 24hrs a week as well as full time study so socialing is a write off. Marriage is still disintegrating, but such is life, ho hum. Kids? Jace is in Cardiff, Kelly still at home, (she will NOT take the hint), son 2 and daughter 2 in other room trying to kill each other, average happy home...Hope you are all well and happy, and hope to get updated with you all over the next few weeks. Been a long time..

Think a while... 6 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:	2:07 pm.
Mood:	nervous.
Music:	South Park sound track.

*Peers quietly from behind screen and prepares to get told off for not posting for about four years.*

Think a while... 16 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:

9:25 pm.

Happy christmas to everybody!!!!!!!!

I go to work.

[pause for sympathy]

And a happy new year (I don't work that day, yay)!!!!!!

Think a while... 3 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:

8:22 am.

Just got in from work, ready to take female type sprog to school (15 mile round trip after 10 hour night shift, do not be on road same time as me in the morning) and Rhys' bus didn't turn up....couldn't be asked to fart around getting him to school as well, so guess what, kids have a day off. Just hope they're quiet, I have to sleeeeep.
Yay, tonight going to see LOTR ROTK. Have sweets, have drinks, have soft cushion to sit on, have high expectations, but from all reports expectations should be reached and surpassed. Cant wait.
First sleep,
So keep the noise down 'kay?

Think a while... 1 thought - What do you think?

Subject:	So tell me again Jace..How do I do this?
Time:	3:00 pm.

Coo.....hasnt it been a long time since I posted!

Seriously, its amazing how your life closes down when all you do is eat sleep and work, and of course play Settlers constantly in between.

So, the season of goodwill is almost upon us, and yes, I AM working nights christmas eve and christmas day, so I WILL be falling asleep into the gravy as I cook the traditional roast. (I did suggest having lunch early, about 8.30am, but it didnt go down well)

So to all of you out there who can remember who I was before I stopped posting...

Merry Christmas

*hugs*

Think a while... 18 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:

10:39 am.

Yay..I managed to get on livejournal via college..stick that in your pipe Jacel

Think a while... 6 thoughts - What do you think?

Subject:	Further to Jacel Venting.......
Time:	5:09 pm.

Things arent always as they appear...there's wrong on both sides..thats all I'm saying.

Think a while... 5 thoughts - What do you think?

Subject:	Was I worried? Nah.....
Time:	8:07 pm.

Update...
Okay, so hes landed,
Not that I was worried and all, seeing as how Heathrow was surrounded by tanks and armoured vehicles and machine gun encampments and all, cos of a terrorist threat.
*Goes and pours a stiff drink*

Think a while... 4 thoughts - What do you think?

Subject:	I remember you lot.........
Time:	4:15 pm.

Okay..quick travel update.....
Jace and Kes are on the same plane and at this moment mid-atlantic, possibly arriving 15 mins late due to the fact the wind is doing all it can to protect the USA from invasion by mad British dragons heh...
(Have a brill time hon see you in a fortnight)

On a more personal note, I'm working again now, but its nights, so I tend to be semi-comatose whenever I'm home, so sorry for the lack of updates.
Trying to remember whats happened since I posted last..uh...well the family has increased by one (no I didn't give birth) eldest daughter has returned to the nest, so now we have seven people living here (six of us and the lodger)makes for good arguments about the telly (I want Kerrang...Nooooo..MTV Dance.......Aw I want Cartoon Network.....Nooobody ever lets me watch what I want....Theres football on tonight, you've had the telly all day.......I give up, wheres my book)
Anywho.......things are looking up....finances are sorting out now I'm back in the land of the earning, and we have all the family (well almost, boyf has two sons as well, but they are currently otherwise housed, but if necessary the broom closet can be converted, they'll just have to get used to sleeping in an upright position) together, what more could I ask for, apart from several hours more sleep every day....
Few personal messages....
Ngar...miss you will catch up soon
Graham...Hi...will add you too...and await deep and meaningful posts with interest *chuckles*
Skywise...take care of my baby!
Kes....likewise
To everybody else out there, miss you all loads, and will try to stay awake long enough to talk to you soon........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....uh!....oh right....an a Happy Valentines Day to you all, just remember if you didnt get the card from your loved one, its only cos they aint got your address yet ^_-

Think a while... 7 thoughts - What do you think?

Subject:	How could she do this to me?
Time:	9:11 am.
Mood:	Hurt.
Music:	Jacel saying ohmyGod as he realises he's late for college.

Okay, so I told you I had a job.......

I went for an interview before christmas, the whole thing went brilliantly, and my "future" employer told me that she was prepared to offer me a job, depending on my references.....
I just had to wait for the references to come in, and she'd contact me about my induction week, and everything was go......
She did want a reference from my last employer, my sister, the person who had paid me less than minimum wage, used me as a slave, made my life a misery, and in the end stressed me to a point where I was coming home crying every night, and who didnt like it when I told her I couldnt handle working for her any more and was leaving.
Through my mother (cos my sister just screamed at me everytime the subject came up) she agreed to write me a reference.
Now bear in mind, my work had been exemplary, my time keeping perfect, I had not taken one day sick leave, worked bloody hard the entire time I was there, sometimes starting early and working on late for no extra pay...legally she couldnt say a word against me......
Last Thursday I had a phone call from my "future "employer, saying that she hadnt forgotten me, in fact I was very much on her mind, she was trying to work out when we could do the induction week, and although she'd received the one reference, which was fine, she had to wait because my sister hadnt returned her reference form...
Through my mother I was told that she'd returned it immediately, and also posted me my P45 (legal Income Tax thing, that totally fudges my income tax if I havent got it)....
Funny neither of them turned up....
Apparantly she sent my P45 to the wrong address, a house that doesnt even exist, and it is now sitting in a missaddressed office in BELFAST! (Belfast is in Ireland...a totally different country!)
Because of christmas they have a backlog, and it wont even be opened for six weeks, and then if theres no return address, it will be binned....sheeeesh.
But the reference to my employer was sent out with a self addressed envelope..........coincidence that neither turned up?
Anyway, she got annoyed that I was trying to make her out to be a bad guy...(I havent spoken to her, just asked my mother to check if and when she'd sent them, in case they were on a shelf somewhere waiting to be sent...at this point it didnt occur to me that she just wouldnt have) so she decided to take matters into her own hands, and took the reference,( which she'd posted?) and a copy of my P45 to my employer PERSONALLY (eeeek!)
And the upshot of this all?
The job which was mine, pending references, and which the woman had rang me back about talking about when I could start.. is now "well we have other people to interview, we'll let you know........."
Thing is I know that the reference would be good, because it had to be or I could take her to court, she wouldnt have put anything in writing that could be used....but how do I prove that her walking in, slamming the reference on the desk and walking out saying she was glad to be rid of me had some influence on the employers decision?
Okay, so I accept that this job is now gone, but the problem is, every job I go for now, will want references from my former employer, and reasons why I left.....

At this rate I'm gonna be sixty before I work again.

Think a while... 4 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:	8:17 pm.
Music:	Faye Wong :: Eyes On Me.

I wish you all a very happy new year and everything you want for yourselves and your families over the next 12 months. *big hugs and kissies*

Think a while... 1 thought - What do you think?

Time:

9:54 am.

NADOLIG LLAWEN I BAWB A BLWYDDYN NEWYDD DDA

Think a while... 8 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:	1:13 pm.
Mood:	chuffed.
Music:	music...uh.....hang on.....

Update---------------

Got the job---------

Yay me :)

Think a while... 21 thoughts - What do you think?

Subject:	Nerves
Time:	9:09 am.
Music:	Radiohead-How to disappear completely.

Okay I have an interview for a job at 11 am.......

Wish me luck peeps....please...
(I need all the support I can get atm, I's scared to death)

Think a while... 3 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:	5:38 pm.
Mood:	bouncy.
Music:	Greenday :: Minority.

Oh well.

Now I've been and gone and done it.

Basically, I told my boss today, where to take her job and shove it. I'm scared to death because now I've got to find another job, but I feel so

HAPPY!

It's like a ten-ton weight has been taken off my head. I've actually rediscovered how to laugh.

Yay me. ^_________________________^

Think a while... 9 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:	8:46 pm.
Mood:	conspiratorial.
Music:	manic giggling and stuff.

Heh....
Ever watched a thirty foot bronze dragon turn into a quivering pile of jelly?

I have, and it was real fun......for further details see http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?journal=kestenan&itemid=22863

*chuckles*

Ps....he was fine once I'd scraped him up off the floor.....

Think a while... 1 thought - What do you think?

Time:	4:46 pm.
Mood:	zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Music:	zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Well...was woken up at 2am this morning by Phil, telling me Jace was having chest pains and palpitations....

There followed a ninety mile per hour journey to the hospital, jumping red lights on the way, electrocardiogram, blood pressure, doctor who looked about twelve, but obviously knew her stuff..(she was 4ft tall I swear to God..and she was wearing 2inch heels) and then we were told that he'd strained a muscle......

Got home at 4am ish, got to bed by 5, couldnt get back to sleep tho. Have had about two hours sleep.

Main Point....

Jace is fine, if a little tired....and going to bed by ten tonight...I apologise to all his american friends, but I insist.

Me..well I'll be in bed by 6...if not soonerzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Think a while... 2 thoughts - What do you think?

Time:

6:39 pm.

Okay people..a public apology...

I am sorry I am turning into a miserable bugger, and I wont post again till I have something slightly upbeat to say, okay?

(If I gotta have a second childhood couldnt I miss out all the angst this time round?)

Think a while... 2 thoughts - What do you think?